Katherine 6 : Too selfish to love beyond the BPM ( Basic Paternal Minimum.)
Do you know what a point I had to get to to cry out for your help? How is it possible that the woman I've loved so fiercely and so long could not hear my cry?
How is it that the woman I've thought so much of has not the courage to act? To help?
You fill my every thought. Nothing I look at, see, hear, speak of, fails to fly my thoughts to you.
It is love. I admit it, I recognise it. I see it and I feel it.
My heart pounds when I am about to see you.
I am completely useless for all else and will be until I can get loose.
How will I escape my love for you?
I wish I knew, for you are so not worthy !
And I wish our daughter could escape you too.
She can't even bleed and get over it as I eventually must , unless I just opted out.
At 8 , Angela doesn’t have this option, does she?
She just has to go along—where you take her. While you merrily rebuild the life you figure you were entitled to all along. Under the guise of belatedly ‘finding your own happiness’. A thin euphemism for doing ‘what-you-want-when-you-want’.
You have proved you could not, cannot, have not, have never and shall never deny yourself. And this is something totally incompatible with being a guilt-free mother.
You hate the guilt…and suppress and lie and justify and pretend and jump through hoops to stifle its clamour to reach daylight.
So you over-compensate, for just a moment of course, until selfishness brushes your guilt aside once more. A familiar pattern here?
Your new man falls over himself to indulge you to indulge yourself . You think this is good for you ? In your frantic race to have it all, get it now, and f**k the consequences for our little girl?
Don’t fool yourself, Katherine, you are too selfish to love Angela beyond the Heart Association’s National Guaranteed Minimum, the BPM (basic paternal minimum.)
How will I be free ? What were you thinking of ? I’ll never (as long as I live) understand your thought process in involving the person that led us to this particular point — other than to simplify it with a ‘ you didn’t think of our daughter or us, you thought only of you’.
There can never be justification for what you have done.
But the soul of the girl I love is strong and pure and decent and giving and honest and so loving though selfish. While the soul that has escaped to re-possess that girl is devious, shallow and black-hearted. Not only is that girl an excellent cheat, she is entirely without shame. And those who know not shame can never know honour.
In this, together with the fine example of congenital selfishness and intolerance she set, your mother educated you well.
No-one will ever say she set out to teach you… all she had to do was show a young girl the way. She so self-servingly forsook any pretence at right and good. Stretching and twisting truth into hollow justification to excuse and garner understanding for her-own inexcusable actions.
Her despair, her awful final realisation of what she has brought herself down to is what she lives everyday now. Her unhappiness is ingrained and total and for ever.
She is but you, futher on. And her reward for all her lies and dishonour is bitter regret.
When you (in turn) look back on your own actions and how they schooled our daughter at your knee, you’ll finally know what everyone but you can see.
Does the end justify the means? As long as you get things arranged how you want them, as quick as you can, is it OK to scar and traumatise and unbalance your own daughter ?
No, the end does not justify any means. And when the sides of this pathway are lined with self-indulgence it all hinges on one’s integrity. A quality you no longer recognize… nor would you know truth if it was a dagger that jumped up and stabbed you in both eyes.
Is this why you will not see what you’ve done??