this way to back

This began as a thought for my little girl Angela, staying with me for one of our (now rare) times together. I was watching her sleep this morning, as we do, listening to her breathe. Hoping she was thinking sweet thoughts in contrast to the uglies swirling about in my head. As they do each day from the instant I become aware of conscious thought. Every morning. And as they have every day since this began.

When will it end? When and how do I get rid of you?
Get you the hell out of my mind? I know I do deserve pain for things I've done to others in the past. But I squared up long ago for those, that bill so well paid. Enough is enough.

Any happy, restful, content moments get unpleasantly mutated by thoughts of you, Katherine. The thing that dominates and permeates and saddens my every thought and sabotages my desire to start anew.

And I wouldn’t mind so much , I could get past this, if you had just gone away… and left the two of us to build a new life with each other , without the dishonest ‘you’ and your even more dispicable partner. The ‘new you’ that you say ‘is now the real you that everyone who knows you can take or leave!’

But you’ve got it all. Shame on you for putting her (and me) through this !

Two sides. No hope. Never mind

I lie here. You lie there.
Our breathing discordant as a pair

You at peace. Me at war.
Souls once aligned. You now abhor.

You wait for him. I wait for you.
But you didn’t say. Never a clue.

I want close.You want space.
Secretly you snatch it. Selfish chase.

I say truth. You say lies.
Then tear child apart. We were none the wise.

I want faith. You want cheat.
So cleverly spin your cloak deceit.

I plead truth. You scream lies.
‘stead of forgiveness, you buy despise.

You yell the moment. I shout the life.
Your back shuns your family. Embracing new strife.

You say get over. I say cannot.
Daughter and husband you cruel forgot.

You try happy. We try sad.
Never mind. One of us got what was to be had.

Ben

This large dollop of self-pity began as a song, words and bits of the melody that just came to me while out on a long walk.
But then, along with every other thing that’s gone on in my mind since all this happened, Katherine, you hijacked these thoughts too.

I know you are not worth it. But you are a love habit I'm finding impossible to break. I need to. Want to. Must. Just can't.
I know you are gone forever, I just wish you hadn't done it this way or taken our little girl with you. You don’t deserve her.

I thought I was on the mend , but this week has been a particularly bad one. I've felt and feel today as if I will just die through sheer mental implosion. I certainly could! But it has to end soon and either I will come out of this hole or I won't .

(But I have promised myself that sometime I will re-write this as the song it started out as. So it is a bit of a work in progress)

TELL ME

So please tell me, won't you tell me, what it is we’re living for?
And why our hearts need breaking instead of loving more?

I see you in your now life, so happy with him new
And dream about not long ago, when you said you loved me true.

I miss you so my darling and our sweet daughter too
So tell me why this had to be, and why died me and you?

I long to be whole once more, not outside looking in
And hate to know I've lost it all and not see you again

Ahead I fear just more dark days , lonely through and through
So tell me was I born to this, or just not good enough for you?

I watch our little daughter, all smiles with her ‘new dad’
Not knowing how a knife it turns, nor why it makes me sad

Sometimes and in the quiet times, I wonder how you are
So tell me what you're doing and why you ran so far?

I miss that you’re not here and die at thought that you’re
Away, now living that ‘fine life’ you tired of waiting for

I hoard those fading memories we made together, girl
So tell me how my tears to hold? Heart’s banner not unfurl?

I pray a silver lining, and long for better days
But know you’re out there somewhere, I can't escape the maze.

So please tell me, won't you tell me, what it is we’re living for?
And why our hearts need breaking instead of loving more?

Ben

Katherine 13

You ask why do I despise you so utterly?

Because you and Robert pre-meditatedly took the deliberate decision to break up our family so you two could be together. Then over two years implemented your deceitful and cynical plan to substitute Robert in my place. Wilfully ignoring the obvious and diabolical effect this cruel act will have on our daughter Angela.
Unforgivable! Shame on you! Shame on you both!

Can I ? (Trust you)

You hold, you kiss, you touch, you love
and gift us heaven’s sweet joy above.
You laugh, you smile, my soul does ask
Can I trust you? Will your love last?

Your arms ‘round me, I want to believe
real love is true, will not deceive
I close eyes to still shattered heart
Can I trust you? Will this love part?

I rest my head on shoulder soft
dare think ahead, hope look aloft
‘tis you life’s journey’s led me to?
Can I trust love? A heart e’er be true?

Your eyes swear love, no lies see I there
‘nother heartache this soul could not bear
Hold fast my hand, keep ever near
Can I trust words? Is it love that I fear?

Are you the one? That’s come so late?
Been sent to make setting sun wait?
Will you stay you and let me be me?
Should I trust you? Are we meant to be?

So hold me tight till morning’s light
and world, keep your damn tomorrow
For one sweet moment it’s me you love
And such perfect peace we’ll borrow.

Ben

Was it ever?

Could it be that you and me were never meant to be?
That we were never one, nor never ever true?
Could precious love we shared ‘ere feel so hollow?
Did fate decree that tears our hearts ought follow?

Did aeon’s stars not write we’d never part ?
Those years we shared ‘fore tore you my heart?
And such ugly scars upon our souls did bring
as discontent’s poison glibly you let spring?

But ‘happiness I’ve earned!’ all hear you cry
as ‘mongst deceit’s debris you seek justify
Sans pause, a precious child you shatter
Wreak ! Destroy ! As if her world’s no matter

Was it starred you’d crush and break her too
rush each moment closer heartache true?
Turn back now! ‘fore slips dire agony of clue
and certain pain sweet girl doth cue

Matters not if you and I were meant to be,
when heartbreak looming’s clear to see?
Beg spare our babe this awful hurt
and desist with ghosts of past to flirt.

14th July 2008