tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/MokoFeed2009-11-21T06:29:22+01:00tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-07-25:/2009/07/25/futility-sheer-stupidity-of-always-never-6584803/bentaylor2009-07-25T13:10:48+02:002009-07-25T13:10:48+02:00 <p> Writing lines for songs that’ll never be sung<br> braiding ropes for bells that can never be rung</p> <p>Reading acts for a play that’ll never be seen<br> conjuring parts for artistes who never have been</p> <p>Writing words for books that’ll never be read<br> whispering thoughts ‘bout love that already is dead</p> <p>Hawking sorrys for hurts that can never be healed<br> open bitter old wounds that always unsealed </p> <p>Blowing kisses at babes that can never be held<br> saving acorns for trees that already be felled</p> <p>Hoarding money for treats that’ll never be bought<br> waiting hard for regrets that’ll never be thought</p> <p>Sifting sand for a gold that’ll never be mined<br> hoping true for a peace that’ll never be find</p> <p>Walking miles towards dreams that’ll always seem mist<br> longing soon to be more than merely exist .</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/07/25/futility-sheer-stupidity-of-always-never-6584803/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-07-25:/2009/07/25/thought-first-6584633/bentaylor2009-07-25T12:35:21+02:002009-07-25T12:35:21+02:00 <p>Thought First</p> <p>Poor prize cost another’s tears<br> then dread ‘was it right ?’ for all future years</p> <p>Awful act curses baby for rest of time<br> Splatters all watchers, bathe too in slime</p> <p>Can ought be undone? Cry they in sad rhyme<br> No! Screams the Angel of Unforgivable Crime</p> <p>So listen well who ‘ere thou art<br> think hard fore breaking child’s fragile heart </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/07/25/thought-first-6584633/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/immaculate-deception-6415494/bentaylor2009-06-28T20:24:42+02:002009-06-28T20:24:42+02:00 <p> Immaculate Deception</p> <p>How is it now your first year’s gone?<br> Has your sun much brighter shone?<br> All deaf-blind to sweet child’s tears<br> smug tales poured in gullible ears.</p> <p>Why for nought her pure world shatter<br> her secret’s safe, so why the matter ?<br> Curse serpent’s lips that lie through fork<br> hiss oily poison dressed as talk.</p> <p>You’re telling all you’re happy now<br> though most suspect you’re grasping cow<br> If you knew how much you are loathed<br> you’d know you’re to contempt betrothed.</p> <p>Discard me may but it’s you they’ll scorn<br> even worse than tart that gave you born.<br> Immoral path she showed you clear<br> which you’ve bequeathed our daughter dear.</p> <p>Why is it that you still pretend,<br> invent and lie to bitter end ?<br> Always destined to fail life’s test<br> to spite respect that loved you best.</p> <p>Did you think I’d wash my hands,<br> walk away, applaud your plans ?<br> And watch you parade new silk pretend,<br> fake provenance at every end?</p> <p>You carve your way like bitch in heat<br> and close in quick when doubt you meet<br> You’ve picked them all off, one by one<br> and won their nod for what you’ve done.</p> <p>You used own friends then cast away<br> now mine do stalk , their minds to sway.<br> There are no words to script my scorn,<br> of clever lies from judgement torn.</p> <p>You smile at me like there’s no change<br> my contempt irrational, and oh so strange.<br> You hide the doubts of I see glimmer<br> for behind my eyes disquiet does simmer.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/immaculate-deception-6415494/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/delectina-you-are-a-knock-out-6414848/bentaylor2009-06-28T18:55:02+02:002009-06-28T18:55:02+02:00 <p>Delectina</p> <p>You walk by, I watch and ponder<br> how your life is every day ?<br> Mostly, do you feel you’re happy<br> or wonder how you stayed?</p> <p>When sleep deserts your small hours<br> and soft sadness pays its call<br> Do love thoughts rest on he beside you<br> or do they elsewhere fall ?</p> <p>Do they ever range away<br> and wonder what you missed ?<br> Though true for rough you settled<br> must that forfeit tender’s kiss?</p> <p>Does he trust and hold and love you,<br> to your heart his virtue bring ?<br> Or would he hurt, or vex or shame you,<br> knowing you’d not changes ring?</p> <p>D’you lull silent in love’s afterglow<br> or dread endless years so slow?<br> As routine dulls, and time rolls by<br> and familiarity one’s faults do magnify</p> <p>Was I wrong to guess your sadness,<br> a mere mirror of my hopeful madness?<br> Does his warmth like mine enfold you,<br> treasure-like to love , embold you?</p> <p>Rarely do you seem unhappy<br> or is it just you hide so well?<br> Small-minded longing from distance<br> wishes each day a living hell.</p> <p>I gaze your way mute whisper<br> silent love that speaks it not<br> Is it truly that you love him<br> or long ago resigned your lot?</p> <p>In this sweet air, alone and walking<br> my one dream sees us talking,<br> and might you speak engaging thought<br> if love’s release your freedom bought?</p> <p>I need to learn what’s all about you<br> have to know why I so love<br> Would you tire of talk? Explaining?<br> today’s hand fit tomorrow’s glove?</p> <p>Could we forge new life together<br> afford do those things we missed?<br> Or be compelled to sigh and wonder<br> Was its lack less worth than kiss ?</p> <p>Oft dream I of us together<br> but know you none to know.<br> Are you soft and warm and willing?<br> will love’s fire still make you glow?</p> <p>Would we talk and smile and touch<br> or might one feel they loved too much?<br> After, would we drift away at ease<br> or awkward wonder did I please?</p> <p>Would we mean it if we said<br> with no you, I’d rather dead?<br> Would you really love me true?<br> could I risk last chance with you?</p> <p>How would age decline our treasure?<br> Would I to you myself up measure?<br> and wary of man’s promise hollow,<br> could you still compel your heart to follow?</p> <p>Could I love you like I need to?<br> or would I waste it, new to bleed?<br> Would we stay pleased to touch and daily,<br> sumptuous romance feed?</p> <p>Could we share our heart’s deep tears<br> admit, say aloud those secret fears?<br> Could we believe and trust each other<br> keep our flame home, not fire another ?</p> <p>Would together earn us peace?<br> to love’s fire buy, not lease?<br> Could your arms ‘round my soul reach<br> To us let lie, life’s paradise beach?</p> <p>Could you your love to me surrender<br> or is change too sore to make?<br> Could I trust myself be tender<br> not perchance your heart to break? </p> <p>Or would we sometime drift apart?<br> yet another pair mistaken hearts?<br> God tell me here’s not another<br> for carved in stone, there’s no recover.</p> <p>Could you let me cherish you?<br> All I’d ask your love is true<br> But… we’ll never know, that much is set<br> he’d be some fool, you free to let!</p> <p>And would I, in any way, better be<br> beyond sweet words, an advance on he ?<br> You know him, learned every glance<br> I know not self, why take such chance?</p> <p>So no better than he you picked ,<br> you too canny from peace be tricked<br> Nor would it anyway be smart<br> forfeit precious family to flutter of heart.</p> <p>Been in <em>my </em>head three years and day<br> but doubtful ever to your thoughts stray.<br> Why can’t my head compliment return<br> and free me to drift, sad bridge to burn?</p> <p>Just my imagination you’re even dreaming!<br> Nor would I tempt you leaning<br> Not that you’d look my way<br> though my dreams at reality will play.</p> <p>Better this way, leave things as are<br> the two of you have come too far<br> and straight through me you look each time<br> ‘cos what’s tween us is in my mind.</p> <p>Today we trade a glance so rare<br> your lovely face, your jet black hair<br> Serene, sweet, past my world you float<br> I gaze down, your guileless path my rote</p> <p>Might you lie awake tonight<br> small hours dread, or hope take flight?<br> Would you chance to think of me<br> at whom you look but hardly see ?</p> <p>It is not fair, so arrogant of me,<br> runaway thoughts of you to free<br> Though nothingness is worse than hell<br> but never find courage to tell.</p> <p>No. I know betrayal’s cruel kill<br> little eyes bitter so seen fill<br> Though I long with you together<br> love must afar, that way forever</p> <p>‘Tis best for all I turn away<br> and two sweet charges need you stay<br> How does life concoct such twists<br> contrive two hearts forever miss?</p> <p>I long to tell you how I feel<br> but even whisper births new lie real<br> So farewell, no hint to show<br> must mutely slip, away to go</p> <p>You’ll never know my love today<br> nor shall a word be say.<br> Perhaps next life we may still meet<br> untethered souls, one heart to beat.</p> <p>27 June 2009</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/delectina-you-are-a-knock-out-6414848/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/stop-at-once-6410367/bentaylor2009-06-28T08:10:02+02:002009-06-28T08:10:02+02:00 <p>Was it ever?</p> <p>Could it be that you and me were never meant to be?<br> That we were never one, nor never ever true?<br> Could precious love we shared ‘ere feel so hollow?<br> Did fate decree that tears our hearts ought follow?</p> <p>Did aeon’s stars not write we’d never part ?<br> Those years we shared ‘fore tore you my heart?<br> And such ugly scars upon our souls did bring<br> as discontent’s poison glibly you let spring?</p> <p>But ‘happiness I’ve earned!’ all hear you cry<br> as ‘mongst deceit’s debris you seek justify<br> Sans pause, a precious child you shatter<br> Wreak ! Destroy ! As if her world’s no matter</p> <p>Was it starred you’d crush and break her too<br> rush each moment closer heartache true?<br> Turn back now! ‘fore slips dire agony of clue<br> and certain pain sweet girl doth cue</p> <p>Matters not if you and I were meant to be,<br> when heartbreak looming’s clear to see?<br> Beg spare our babe this awful hurt<br> and desist with ghosts of past to flirt. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/stop-at-once-6410367/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/to-sweet-widow-6410358/bentaylor2009-06-28T08:06:10+02:002009-06-28T08:06:10+02:00 <p>Can Take Forever</p> <p>As time moves on, it comes to be<br> though ‘round you some no longer see.</p> <p>So few perceive how each slow day<br> feels still so wrapped in shades of grey.</p> <p>But bound up, drawn to daily lives<br> universe decrees they must so strive.</p> <p>Fast fly their lanes as life goes on<br> while hangs your star quiet looking on.</p> <p>Will each new day be such as this?<br> I almost hear you cry<br> Around you swirls the moving world<br> Why? Why? Why can’t I?</p> <p>Slow daily grind does limelight pall<br> glare so happily foregone for all.</p> <p>Can take forever, not just so seem<br> till somewhere morrow’s year will deem.</p> <p>That you may smile, not guilt to live<br> sweet purpose new, your world will give.</p> <p>But know once more through Celtic rains<br> ‘some day’ will come, light shine again. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/to-sweet-widow-6410358/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/can-i-trust-you-6410348/bentaylor2009-06-28T08:03:26+02:002009-06-28T08:03:26+02:00 <p> Can I ? (Trust you)</p> <p>You hold, you kiss, you touch, you love<br> and gift us heaven’s sweet joy above.<br> You laugh, you smile, my soul does ask<br> Can I trust you? Will your love last?</p> <p>Your arms ‘round me, I want to believe<br> real love is true, will not deceive<br> I close eyes to still shattered heart<br> Can I trust you? Will this love part?</p> <p>I rest my head on shoulder soft<br> dare think ahead, hope look aloft<br> ‘tis you life’s journey’s led me to?<br> Can I trust love? A heart e’er be true?</p> <p>Your eyes swear love, no lies see I there<br> ‘nother heartache this soul could not bear<br> Hold fast my hand, keep ever near<br> Can I trust words? Is it love that I fear?</p> <p>Are you the one? That’s come so late?<br> Been sent to make setting sun wait?<br> Will you stay you and let me be me?<br> Should I trust you? Are we meant to be?</p> <p>So hold me tight till morning’s light<br> and world, keep your damn tomorrow<br> For one sweet moment it’s me you love<br> And such perfect peace we’ll borrow.</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/can-i-trust-you-6410348/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-06-28:/2009/06/28/death-by-weekend-6410332/bentaylor2009-06-28T07:57:00+02:002009-06-28T07:57:00+02:00 <p>Death by weekend.</p> <p>How fine it is, that first embrace<br> As words rush out with joy apace<br> How sweet it is that first ‘Hello’<br> though morrow’s parting lurks below</p> <p>We laugh , we talk, we smile, we touch<br> Though time decrees we love too much<br> We joke ,we dance, we play, we sing<br> Though stealthy night subdues that ring</p> <p>Happy dawn ; we wake together<br> Though real-life begs, we feel forever<br> The old dread time’s new crushing hands<br> The young ignore its ruthless sands</p> <p>The sweetest moment earth stands still<br> While we lie close, hold tighter still<br> Unthinkable peace, contentment rule<br> Hushed tones of love time’s harmony fool</p> <p>One prepares for ‘then’ , unwilling<br> The other blind to time’s ‘a filling<br> One steels for this day’s ‘a ending<br> The child so better at pretending</p> <p>Still we laugh, mock time’s bitter cup<br> Though both know soon the game is up<br> Naively out our hearts do pour<br> But moments off our time’s no more</p> <p>So futile, much silent clinging,<br> Declares our love’s a bringing<br> Trying so well to make it last<br> The hours, the hours! slip ‘way so fast</p> <p>There’s so much love and left unsaid<br> Though tearful thoughts best left unsaid<br> Both wait, we in sore silence bred<br> Whilst life’s trickster fast forward sped</p> <p>So you, fair child, must wear the crown<br> The Queen of all, my heart to drown<br> Though I’m beyond it, can't hide the pain<br> You’re so brave you do me shame</p> <p>It’s time.</p> <p>One parent up, one parent down<br> Shared times away, ignore my frown<br> And neither dare risk no gloating<br> Just ‘cos their own heart’s ‘a floating</p> <p>Now comes the awkward, shuffling stuff<br> Futile delays till one calls “enough!”<br> Next , another week, it’ll be turn about<br> Another chance for love, for pain, for doubt</p> <p>Bring it on, bring it on , and on<br> All’s so quiet since you’ve been gone<br> I start, think I hear you calling me !<br> But no, you're there, not here with me.</p> <p> from the Dad. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/06/28/death-by-weekend-6410332/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-02-28:/2009/02/28/can-take-forever-5664788/bentaylor2009-02-28T09:37:01+01:002009-02-28T09:37:01+01:00 <p><u>Can Take Forever</u></p> <p>As time moves on, it comes to be<br> though ‘round you some no longer see.</p> <p>So few perceive how each slow day<br> feels still so wrapped in shades of grey.</p> <p>But bound up, drawn to daily lives<br> universe decrees they must so strive.</p> <p>Fast fly their lanes as life goes on<br> while hangs your star quiet looking on.</p> <p><em>Will each new day be such as this?<br> I almost hear you cry<br> Around you swirls the moving world<br> Why? Why? Why can’t I?</em></p> <p>Slow daily grind does limelight pall<br> glare so happily foregone for all.</p> <p>Can take forever, not just so seem<br> till somewhere morrow’s year will deem.</p> <p>That you may smile, not guilt to live<br> sweet purpose new, your world will give.</p> <p>But know once more through Celtic rains<br> ‘some day’ <em>will </em>come, light shine again.</p> <p>Ben Taylor<br> Feb 28 2009</p> <p>[A thought for Sandra, quietly mourning her life's partner as life presses on around her.]</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/02/28/can-take-forever-5664788/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-02-07:/2009/02/07/you-can-whisper-5524755/bentaylor2009-02-07T13:13:17+01:002009-02-07T13:13:17+01:00 <p> <u>You can Whisper</u></p> <p>You can whisper you must go home<br> leave me breathless on the phone.<br> And scream all’s fair in love and war<br> walk so sassy out my door</p> <p>But don’t you cut my love so true<br> don’t break a heart that dies for you.<br> Tell me now that you still care<br> Say how always you’ll be there.</p> <p>You can cry you’re sorry too<br> promise all your lies are through.<br> Then stay out late with friends of your<br> laughing ‘cos they all know the score.</p> <p>But don’t you cut my love so true<br> Don’t break a heart that died for you.<br> Tell me now, that you still care<br> Say how always you’ll be there.</p> <p>You can sell me woman’s lies<br> pretending love with truthless eyes.<br> False you speak so talk no more<br> watch me drift right out your door.</p> <p>So don’t you cut my love so true<br> you broke a heart that cried for you.<br> No matter now that you don’t care<br> my love’s no longer yours to share.</p> <p>Ben Taylor</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/02/07/you-can-whisper-5524755/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2009-01-04:/2009/01/04/sleepless-in-neverland-5320283/bentaylor2009-01-04T13:34:27+01:002009-01-04T13:34:27+01:00 <p> <u>Sleepless in Neverland. Dec 2009</u></p> <p>Perhaps it is some type of chemical<br> that makes our girl quite so hysterical?</p> <p>Or might there exist some magic delirium<br> provoking rare strain of childish terrorium?</p> <p>Be there secret physio-lightswitch<br> sparking mad electric twitch ?</p> <p>Triggering bedtime super-charging<br> making young yawner go barging?</p> <p>But bedtime bell prompts patent scheming<br> Exiles all tiredness, signs of dreaming.</p> <p>Where nodding off once plain to see<br> sub feigned distraction, nor fatigue to be.</p> <p>Such skill, delays, such polished art<br> When lie down, game’s about to start</p> <p>Conclude night’s reading, sense change of gear<br> when questions oblique my ears start to hear</p> <p>At first one feels flattered, cute knowledge thirst<br> but zig-zag agenda transpires to be worst.</p> <p>Excuses, subjects, wide converse engages<br> mull, regurgitate topics for ages & ages</p> <p>Why and wherefore, so invitingly dangled<br> delay prospects of sleep from zillion angled</p> <p>Eyes will not close unbidden to rest<br> bouncing off walls, this Duracell pest </p> <p>Loud silly giggles and trying on riddles<br> leads many asks and going for piddles</p> <p>Wriggling, fidgeting, kicking, and sighing<br> relaxing’s deep breaths, ‘mid thoughts sheep flying</p> <p>For hours horizontal she’ll stare, think so hard<br> for flimsiest reasons to catch me off guard</p> <p>The tossing, the turning, Dad stroking forehead<br> makes not jot of difference, resistance is torrid.</p> <p>Till ‘leven thirty, we lie here a-trying<br> cannot slow thoughts, her mind’s not for dying</p> <p>Time and again hints stillness to think<br> Then, as always pulls she from the brink</p> <p>A word, a murmur, one breath’s all she needs<br> for my patient hours so swift to unseed</p> <p>Each breath conjures such animal cunning<br> even shame politician’s tricks a running</p> <p> Inventive and devious, ploys so transparent<br> “Resistance Is Futile” ‘pears clear to this parent</p> <p>Again goes the light… again we get book<br> faint smile on dial hints this kid’s off hook</p> <p>Come midnight hour and temper’s rising<br> so judge me not reader, angst hardly surprising</p> <p>Exasperating eons! She only sags later<br> parent annoyance could hardly get greater ?</p> <p>She can try all to test, and me heart attack give<br> but knows I so love her, I’ll always forgive.</p> <p><em>(She’s still only nine. What the hell chance did men have anyway?)</em></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2009/01/04/sleepless-in-neverland-5320283/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-12-25:/2008/12/25/just-be-5274928/bentaylor2008-12-25T10:55:17+01:002008-12-25T10:55:17+01:00 <p>Just Being</p> <p>I am, I live, I hope, I be,<br> and much seems special within me</p> <p>I sense, I move, I think, I feel,<br> as beat of heart my life doth steal.</p> <p>I touch, I taste, I talk, I breathe,<br> while each full lung one more does thieve</p> <p>I learn, I wise, I smile, I cry,<br> told laughter slows some years to fly</p> <p>I love, I loathe, I nod and see<br> that all remaining’s just to BE.</p> <p>Ben Taylor</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/12/25/just-be-5274928/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-11-21:/2008/11/21/sandra-the-winter-can-take-so-very-long-5076385/bentaylor2008-11-21T19:00:25+01:002008-11-21T19:00:25+01:00 <p>Dear Sandra and Family</p> <p><em>A little bit of completely useless information<br> for you on this rather icy night!</em></p> <p>There are 29 days to the Winter solstice,<br> technically said to be the depth of winter.<br> Some call it the <em>start </em>of our winter.</p> <p>On this date, the sun crosses the sky<br> at its lowest point and shines the least.<br> Everyone knows it as the shortest,<br> darkest day of the year. </p> <p>Though in reality, from then on<br> the light starts to change.<br> And it happens so very gently<br> the difference is hard<br> (if not impossible) to discern.</p> <p>For every day after that,<br> daylight comes a little sooner<br> and the sun shines a little brighter.</p> <p>Even though scientifically we know<br> and can prove all this,<br> we also know winter is far from over.<br> And when the worst of winters is on us,<br> it can take so very long before we sense<br> even the faintest trace of summer.</p> <p>But, please know there are a <u>lot </u>of people<br> thinking of the four of you<br> and wishing you strength together.</p> <p>Ben Taylor</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/11/21/sandra-the-winter-can-take-so-very-long-5076385/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-11-04:/2008/11/04/this-time-and-those-to-follow-4982131/bentaylor2008-11-04T12:39:18+01:002008-11-04T12:39:18+01:00 <p>To Sandra, a distant friend, on the sudden loss of your husband to cancer</p> <p>One afar, who knows you not well,<br> cries <u>with </u>you, dear Sandra, some quiet thoughts to tell.</p> <p>None but you, know the pain that you feel,<br> though all tritely claim that ‘time has to heal’.</p> <p>And deep in your heart, so surely must ache,<br> while life’s dreadful twists do faith mighty shake.</p> <p>As cold or as empty as tomorrow does seem,<br> hope need not be <u>your </u>unreachable dream.</p> <p>For gathered around, to hold you as friend,<br> is a mountain of love…add such little I send.</p> <p>Ben Taylor</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/this-time-and-those-to-follow-4982131/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-08-24:/2008/08/24/my-every-thought-katherine-4630629/bentaylor2008-08-24T15:39:58+02:002008-08-24T15:39:58+02:00 <p>My every thought.</p> <p>I look at skies above me<br> or marvel seas of blue.<br> I try reflect on happy things<br> but each thought’s tied to you.</p> <p>I seek solace in film-scripts<br> try bury memories there.<br> Or lose myself in stories<br> but always are you there.</p> <p>I run and work my body<br> try sweat this mind of blue.<br> I triple-murder brain cells<br> To drown all thoughts of you</p> <p>From instant that my soul does wake<br> stalks long afore daylight can break.<br> Every second, hour, each long day<br> Wrong you’ve done, on me does prey.</p> <p>Come shine, cold snow or gentle rain<br> could anything get good again ?<br> No matter what I try to do<br> can’t get my head away from you.</p> <p>You hurt me so, I cannot seem<br> cycle to break or slate to clean.<br> Again late night, at ten past two<br> I mull lone thought still owned by you</p> <p>If every breath’s bethrothed to you<br> and every image yours<br> The only way I’ll get my peace<br> is slam those mental doors</p> <p>When ? When will this be done ?<br> I hear such shameful cry<br> Will I have to stop all thinks<br> For sore thoughts of you to fly?</p> <p>How crave I to end <em>all </em>thought<br> then gone you’d <em>really </em>be !<br> And maybe in some distant life<br> my soul return to me.</p> <p>Away you go and take the tears<br> I’ll close heart and eyes and ears.<br> And curse you brain! <em>Stop </em>thinking too,<br> and so get shot of thoughts of you.</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/08/24/my-every-thought-katherine-4630629/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-08-15:/2008/08/15/katherine-why-must-you-hurt-our-baby-4593786/bentaylor2008-08-15T20:19:31+02:002008-08-15T20:19:31+02:00 <p>Katherine, why must you hurt our baby ?</p> <p>Why did you willingly place Angela in this position?</p> <p>Awareness will atomize her emotionally and damage her very soul. Because it is going to shatter <u>everything </u>she has relied on , depended on as firm and real for the duration of her entire life.<br> Each new ‘family’ situation she is propelled into, each little tableau of ‘reality’ (‘you better get used to it because this is what I want’ )you impose on her with Robert in it, could well be the one that does it! </p> <p>Are you blind? Can you not see it? Can you not see the inevitability of what is coming?</p> <p>So the only way you can forestall this catastrophic situation for her is by keeping him and his family and everything to do with him OUT OF HER LIFE!!!!!!!!!!</p> <p>One thing is for sure, you have stupidly, stupidly placed her in this awful situation and <strong>you </strong>must get her out.<br> I cannot help. I've been warning you about your impending execution of this child’s emotional life since February. </p> <p>She is going to implode. And because you have closed your eyes to this prime consequence of what you have done, you truly have no idea how badly it will affect her. She hates Robert in her life and dealing her this dreadful card will warp her perception of everything she has trusted. Please listen to what Im saying.</p> <p>She will never trust again if you do this. Not you and not me. What you have done and will do next is nothing short of a mental crime against this little person. </p> <p>Please stop before it is too late, you selfish, selfish cow ! Shame on you and him both for your complete and utter thickness in deliberately letting this horrendous situation happen !</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/katherine-why-must-you-hurt-our-baby-4593786/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-08-15:/2008/08/15/words-for-little-angela-4593669/bentaylor2008-08-15T19:48:53+02:002008-08-15T19:48:53+02:00 <p>We’ll get through.<br> (words for little Angela)</p> <p>To dance among the clouds so blue<br> and know I am so close to you.<br> To whistle tunes, those songs so rare<br> and dazzle me, your smile so fair.</p> <p>To laugh back at those happy times<br> when life we shared in sunny climes.<br> Those moments when we ran and danced<br> and let the future’s course be chanced.</p> <p>That ‘lightful glow when we’re together<br> makes no matter, any weather.<br> The simple things that bring us joy<br> are rarely those expense deploy.</p> <p>Laugh and sing and smile, be free<br> these gloomy times away we’ll see.<br> To turn our backs on things so bad<br> and chase away what makes us sad.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/words-for-little-angela-4593669/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-08-02:/2008/08/02/done-it-now-fool-your-daughter-katherine-4532397/bentaylor2008-08-02T10:05:44+02:002008-08-02T10:09:56+02:00 <p><u>Done it! </u> ( Now fool your daughter, Katherine.)</p> <p>You’ve got your way, you’ve won your day<br> and much should you be pleased with.<br> You’ve spun your tale, chalked up the sale<br> and many have swallowed the myth.</p> <p>You’ve beaten the game, used friends to so shame<br> without harlot’s banner unfurl.<br> You’ve trampled and lied, from no sin have you shied<br> nor spouted falsehood too lowly to twirl.</p> <p>You certainly glow, carnal appetite show,<br> so tarty and nary a blush.<br> Old unhappy self, abseiled off some shelf<br> and down history’s toilet did flush</p> <p>There’s no looking back, no indulgence to lack<br> and so hard at your network you’ll toil.<br> But sooner than later, she’ll cry that you hate her<br> and away from your lies will recoil.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/08/02/done-it-now-fool-your-daughter-katherine-4532397/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-08-02:/2008/08/02/angela-you-put-me-to-shame-4532328/bentaylor2008-08-02T09:41:49+02:002008-08-02T10:07:35+02:00 <p>To Angela, my eight year-old, who literally <em>is </em>putting me to shame.</p> <p><u>How are you doing this?</u></p> <p>What did I do to deserve you,<br> your smiling heart and love so true?<br> Did Him above know how weak I’d be,<br> so palm me you and gift you me?</p> <p>Your simple youth our pain belies<br> as my less robust heart outcries.<br> My ‘maturer’ world you shame,<br> while yours implodes in all and name</p> <p>How is it you did get so strong?<br> whilst my recovery doth so prolong.<br> When did you find so courage great,<br> while wallow I and help do wait ?</p> <p>How is it you can balance the scales,<br> while torture I myself with tales?<br> How do you take within your stride,<br> while I cry bleeding still inside?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/08/02/angela-you-put-me-to-shame-4532328/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-07-30:/2008/07/30/two-sides-no-hope-never-mind-4519315/bentaylor2008-07-30T09:49:33+02:002008-08-02T10:06:38+02:00 <p>This began as a thought for my little girl Angela, staying with me for one of our (now rare) times together. I was watching her sleep this morning, as we do, listening to her breathe. Hoping she was thinking sweet thoughts in contrast to the uglies swirling about in my head. As they do each day from the instant I become aware of conscious thought. Every morning. And as they have every day since this began. </p> <p>When will it end? When and how do I get rid of you?<br> Get you the hell out of my mind? I know I do deserve pain for things I've done to others in the past. But I squared up long ago for those, that bill so well paid. Enough is enough.</p> <p>Any happy, restful, content moments get unpleasantly mutated by thoughts of you, Katherine. The thing that dominates and permeates and saddens my every thought and sabotages my desire to start anew. </p> <p>And <u>I wouldn’t mind so much</u> , I could get past this, if you had just <em>gone </em>away… and left the two of us to build a new life with each other , without the dishonest ‘you’ and your even more dispicable partner. The ‘new you’ that you say ‘is now <u>the real you</u> that everyone who knows you can take or leave!’</p> <p>But you’ve got it all. <em>Shame </em>on you for putting her (and me) through this !</p> <p><u>Two sides. No hope. Never mind</u></p> <p>I lie here. You lie there.<br> Our breathing discordant as a pair</p> <p>You at peace. Me at war.<br> Souls once aligned. You now abhor.</p> <p>You wait for him. I wait for you.<br> But you didn’t say. Never a clue.</p> <p>I want close.You want space.<br> Secretly you snatch it. Selfish chase.</p> <p>I say truth. You say lies.<br> Then tear child apart. We were none the wise.</p> <p>I want faith. You want cheat.<br> So cleverly spin your cloak deceit.</p> <p>I plead truth. You scream lies.<br> ‘stead of forgiveness, you buy despise.</p> <p>You yell the moment. I shout the life.<br> Your back shuns your family. Embracing new strife.</p> <p>You say get over. I say cannot.<br> Daughter and husband you cruel forgot.</p> <p>You try happy. We try sad.<br> Never mind. <em>One </em>of us got what was to be had.</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/07/30/two-sides-no-hope-never-mind-4519315/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-07-26:/2008/07/26/i-thought-i-was-on-the-mend-katherine-4500586/bentaylor2008-07-26T09:24:06+02:002008-07-26T09:24:06+02:00 <p>This large dollop of self-pity began as a song, words and bits of the melody that just came to me while out on a long walk.<br> But then, along with every other thing that’s gone on in my mind since all this happened, Katherine, you hijacked these thoughts too.</p> <p> I know you <u>are not worth it</u>. But you are a love habit I'm finding impossible to break. I need to. Want to. Must. Just can't.<br> I know you are gone forever, I just wish you hadn't done it this way or taken our little girl with you. You don’t deserve her.</p> <p>I thought I was on the mend , but this week has been a particularly bad one. I've felt and feel today as if I will just die through sheer mental implosion. I certainly <em>could</em>! But it has to end soon and either I will come out of this hole or I won't . </p> <p>(But I have promised myself that sometime I will re-write this as the song it started out as. So it is a bit of a work in progress)</p> <p><u>TELL ME </u></p> <p>So please tell me, won't you tell me, what it is we’re living for?<br> And why our hearts need breaking instead of loving more?</p> <p>I see you in your now life, so happy with him new<br> And dream about not long ago, when you said you loved me true. </p> <p>I miss you so my darling and our sweet daughter too<br> So tell me why this had to be, and why died me and you?</p> <p>I long to be whole once more, not outside looking in<br> And hate to know I've lost it all and not see you again</p> <p>Ahead I fear just more dark days , lonely through and through<br> So tell me was I born to this, or just not good enough for you?</p> <p>I watch our little daughter, all smiles with her ‘new dad’<br> Not knowing how a knife it turns, nor why it makes me sad </p> <p>Sometimes and in the quiet times, I wonder how <em>you </em>are<br> So tell me what you're doing and why you ran so far?</p> <p>I miss that you’re not here and die at thought that you’re<br> Away, now living that ‘fine life’ you tired of waiting for</p> <p>I hoard those fading memories we made together, girl<br> So tell me how my tears to hold? Heart’s banner not unfurl?</p> <p>I pray a silver lining, and long for better days<br> But know you’re out there somewhere, I can't escape the maze.</p> <p>So please tell me, won't you tell me, what it is we’re living for?<br> And why our hearts need breaking instead of loving more?</p> <p>Ben </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/07/26/i-thought-i-was-on-the-mend-katherine-4500586/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-07-23:/2008/07/23/katherine-4490076/bentaylor2008-07-23T21:08:17+02:002008-07-23T21:08:17+02:00 <p>Katherine 13</p> <p>You ask <em>why </em>do I despise you so utterly?</p> <p>Because you and Robert pre-meditatedly took the <u>deliberate decision</u> to break up <u>our </u>family so you two could be together. Then over two years implemented your deceitful and cynical plan to substitute Robert in my place. Wilfully ignoring <u>the obvious</u> and diabolical effect this cruel act will have on our daughter Angela.<br> Unforgivable! Shame on you! Shame on you both! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/07/23/katherine-4490076/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-07-19:/2008/07/19/come-soon-please-wherever-you-are-4468122/bentaylor2008-07-19T10:23:28+02:002008-07-19T10:23:28+02:00 <p>Can I ? (Trust you)</p> <p>You hold, you kiss, you touch, you love<br> and gift us heaven’s sweet joy above.<br> You laugh, you smile, my soul does ask<br> Can I trust you? Will your love last?</p> <p>Your arms ‘round me, I want to believe<br> real love is true, will not deceive<br> I close eyes to still shattered heart<br> Can I trust you? Will this love part?</p> <p>I rest my head on shoulder soft<br> dare think ahead, hope look aloft<br> ‘tis you life’s journey’s led me to?<br> Can I trust love? A heart e’er be true?</p> <p>Your eyes swear love, no lies see I there<br> ‘nother heartache this soul could not bear<br> Hold fast my hand, keep ever near<br> Can I trust words? Is it love that I fear?</p> <p>Are you the one? That’s come so late?<br> Been sent to make setting sun wait?<br> Will you stay you and let me be me?<br> Should I trust you? Are we meant to be?</p> <p>So hold me tight till morning’s light<br> and world, keep your damn tomorrow<br> For one sweet moment it’s me you love<br> And such perfect peace we’ll borrow.</p> <p>Ben </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/07/19/come-soon-please-wherever-you-are-4468122/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-07-14:/2008/07/14/was-it-ever-4445229/bentaylor2008-07-14T09:32:18+02:002008-07-25T17:53:37+02:00 <p>Was it ever?</p> <p>Could it be that you and me were never meant to be?<br> That we were never one, nor never ever true?<br> Could precious love we shared ‘ere feel so hollow?<br> Did fate decree that tears our hearts ought follow?</p> <p>Did aeon’s stars not write we’d never part ?<br> Those years we shared ‘fore tore you my heart?<br> And such ugly scars upon our souls did bring<br> as discontent’s poison glibly you let spring?</p> <p>But ‘happiness I’ve earned!’ all hear you cry<br> as ‘mongst deceit’s debris you seek justify<br> Sans pause, a precious child you shatter<br> Wreak ! Destroy ! As if her world’s no matter</p> <p>Was it starred you’d crush and break her too<br> rush each moment closer heartache true?<br> Turn back now! ‘fore slips dire agony of clue<br> and certain pain sweet girl doth cue</p> <p>Matters not if you and I were meant to be,<br> when heartbreak looming’s clear to see?<br> Beg spare our babe this awful hurt<br> and desist with ghosts of past to flirt.</p> <p>14th July 2008</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/07/14/was-it-ever-4445229/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-06-02:/2008/06/02/dear-katherine-10-have-you-no-shame-woma-4260643/bentaylor2008-06-02T22:45:50+02:002008-06-02T22:45:50+02:00 <p> The heartlessness of your treachery and what you and Robert did two Wednesdays ago hurt and made me very angry. It’s not as much what I asked you, but what I pleaded with you not to do. Something that really was nothing to you but a massive thing to me.</p> <p>You responded with a calculated lack of consideration which I would have spared you if our roles were reversed.Your conduct stunned me.</p> <p>More specifically, it showed me that though I stupidly still deeply love and care for you, I must stop kidding myself that underneath the deceipt there is any good in you. </p> <p>I thought I knew you. Of everyone ever in your life, I have (as such) spent the most time with you ( adult time, fully-developed person time) and been closest to you longer than anyone else in your life, including Angela and your mother and father. </p> <p>That you so cynically masked the real you all that time, is testament to a nauseating acting talent. Yes , I feel truly sick when I think back on the charade you have dragged me through for 14 years (and Angela for 8 of them)</p> <p>I now face the truth, the things about you which have long been plain for all but me to see. A truth I hate admitting because it makes such a mockery of the years we spent close together as man and wife.</p> <p> But whatever the future holds for the two of us, it is time to say what I think.This began as a single pager, but grew as my anger distilled. Nor did I need draw on the legion of unsent drafts I've clattered out as I’ve discovered your new lies, but never mailed. This is not a rant.<br> This is how I feel now. </p> <p> And if God is any judge, it is the absolute truth, inescapable truth, that will still be truth, after we are both dead, and still true forever after that. Read it, discard it as you will. I’ll keep a copy.</p> <p>You are a congenital liar and fundamentally dishonest. You are disloyal, unfaithful and untruthful in every fibre. A devious cheat with no honour, who is calculating, manipulative and pitifully transparent. You would not know truth if it was a dagger that jumped up and stabbed you in both eyes.</p> <p>You lie inherently, are innately secretive yet have no morals. And are so pathologically self-indulgent, you cannot see past your own wants. You are a coward, without the decency, any decency, or the courage to admit the lies which have been scheming away in your heart for years. </p> <p>Shame on you.</p> <p>Worse than everything (and that takes some doing for the totally shallow) you have so selfishly put Angela and I in a catastrophic mental and emotional situation. An act which WILL unbalance her emotionally her whole life and has broken me. </p> <p>How can you be so unspeakably stupid? How could anyone in our family situation act so? Are you mad ?</p> <p>You are not a good mum. You are a mercenary, self-centred mum who in every way thinks of herself first and last. Always has . Then guilt makes you over-compensate until your grumbles erupt and you lash out at those around you. Your pronouncement that you ‘only want to be a mum to Angela’ is true only as far as it suits you and what you want to do at a particular moment. And until the real you asserts its wants again and takes over. So your sentiment is just another lie only you believe. You never lost the plot as a mother. You never had it.</p> <p>You are not at peace with yourself. Are not at rest with yourself. Cannot rest in yourself. Can't be at home with yourself. What troubles you is inside. You’ve never known when enough is enough (of anything). Just one of the unhappy habits I compensated for in our family, along with deflecting your anger, your intolerance and intemperance with anyone around you. Including the one you ‘only want to be a good mum to’. Another important role I played in our home was deciphering your moods and diffusing the ill-temper and disharmony you regularly scattered in your wake. Had I known what really was in your heart I might have been rid of you long ago.</p> <p>You always have to be chasing something , anything to be occupied, anything to distract, anything that might still whatever it is inside that makes you deeply unhappy and restless. You have been following your own mink coat of deceipt along some slimy road since long before we met. I wonder how long you’ll be able to keep the moths of disillusionment from chewing holes in this one?</p> <p>You despise your own mother but are her daughter to the core, making ironic the despicable, scheming ways in which you have so gliby schooled your own daughter.<br> I've been wrong about loving you, trusting you, defending you, being protective of you for near on 14 years. </p> <p>In a word, you are unworthy. Unworthy of my love and care, which you secretly derided, unworthy of Angela, unworthy of all those who for all those years thought you loved them back. </p> <p>Regarding Angela, your short-sighted act is so stupid, that if one were to script the very most stupid thing that anyone, anywhere, anytime could do to our family, what you’ve done is exactly that. So shattering another illusion for me, because I’ve always believed you to be so clever. Thoroughly clever is more true. And I have always respected your mind and your opinions, and expressed it. Often to wide-eyed amazement of friends and colleagues. </p> <p>Did not you feel my love and my respect? </p> <p>And how anyone (with any motive ?) could do something so patently unintelligent is staggering. And then have the shameless gall to defend it ?</p> <p>The other incredible thing is that you have never once yet actually admitted anything to me. Not even now.You continue rolling out lies in the same instinctive way you’ve been doing for a decade and a half ? I’m the first to admit I am not ‘pencil-box sharp’, but just how dumb do you think I am ? When you are trying to tee up yet another bullshit decoy event or commitment , your fabrications are so transparent, that if my little heart was not breaking, I’d laugh.</p> <p>Everything that is now out in the public domain has only come out because I discovered it. Not to this moment, and not once have you ever had yet the decency or the courage to volunteer to tell the fucking truth!<br> Your response: continue to deny and deny and deny until all the bits are peeled away and finally there you stand alone and unmasked among your revolting falsehoods. </p> <p>Then you try defend and justify what you’ve done as somehow being ‘right under the circumstances’, how ‘unhappy you’ve been for so long’ etc etc etc. What a thorough-going liar you turned out to be. </p> <p>But you did not have to be smart to see the obvious consequences on Angela .You have no possible excuse for that . All the while, shameless and undaunted, you try shore the new ‘reality’ you are constructing by fabricating bullshit lies about our marriage.</p> <p>And as we find out now, for certainly 5 years , you have been telling everyone else about your sad and unhappy life excepting your husband .<br> Nor , curiously, did you ever tell anyone who might conceivably have mentioned it to your husband ? The one person on earth with the first right to know about everything you were contemplating. Why didn’t you come clean?</p> <p> Shame, shame, shame on you.</p> <p>So, after having launched us (Angela will bear the final cost and no mistake) at this catastrophe, you then display even less intelligence by trying to justify it ? Instead of admitting your stupidity and acting to try and halt the damage at that point…while some limitation is still possible.</p> <p>But yet again you deny, you lie about Robert, and say you are not committed. Does he know you told me you had made no commitment to him? Of course not. You just lie on cue.<br> Did you tell him you have absolutely ‘no plans to be committed to him?’ Yeah right liar. Does he know when you came back from your last ‘secret getaway’ with him over 8 years ago, you dismissed him as hopeless nothing, a mistake, a selfish someone constantly seeking self-gratification who would die young? At least that’s what you told me. I believed you and look where it has placed me today.</p> <p>No, I’ll bet he doesn’t, and yet still today you are promising him one thing, telling everyone another, the version that suits what you need them to think, and in the same breath denying reality. Behaviour pattern sound familiar?</p> <p>You have put yourself first and are now resolutely engineering Angela into the new reality you pursue for you. Bringing her into your deceipt, your lies, your unfaithfulness and calculatedly co-ercing her into participating in it is unforgiveable.<br> As was using Robert’s neice as a stage prop. You made Angela lie and conceal and withold. The Christmas and other present things really were sick. Very dim. Shame on you both forever.</p> <p>You involved your mother in your deception, who at sixty years old, at last, still could not tell right from wrong!<br> Then she actually endorsed your despicable behaviour by colluding in your lengthy conspiracy of lies and pretence. </p> <p>She knew everything you were doing was wrong, knew about it for a long time and knew that Angela was being told ‘not to talk’ yet still did not have the moral fibre to force you to do the right thing and (at least) tell me. Something she could so easily have done by warning you that if you didn’t talk to me she would.<br> Shame on her forever too.</p> <p>Your investment in lies comes with an (awful) dividend you will collect later. Your singular lack of shame bodes ill for Angela who at this young age has been thoroughly grounded in dishonesty. She’ll find these skills useful in her married life. They are after all what has fucked up your mother’s relationships and fucked up this one. And even more impressively, the way a real expert brasses it all out afterwards.Well done again. And tutored in a living example of her mother being unfaithful to her father while she was co-erced over a protracted period into ‘not telling’ the dad she is close to. But a little inconvenience you are working hard at changing. </p> <p>Your mother made and still makes her choices for herself first. As do you today and as has always been her right. Then spent 30 years justifying them. You have always rubbished her mercilessly, so I'm sorry to tell you, what you’ve done is lower than anything she ever did.</p> <p>You have provided our child with a close-up, daily,<br> weekly , monthly role model of deceipt and marital infidelity which you should be shot for. She was innocent until then. And untouched.<br> Nice one Katherine.<br> And in whose interest was this ? Hers?</p> <p>Critically,you have shattered this young child’s perceptions of honesty and integrity in a relationship by your and Robert’s totally unacceptable conduct. Something which will distort the faith and trust she takes into all her adult relationships. They live what they learn. In denying this you are more deluded than usual/</p> <p>I love Angela in the most special way and am dying without her in my life. She loves me too and it is not an average separation. Are you starting to get a sense of why I'm angry ?</p> <p>Separation and acrimonious family breakup is bad enough for Angela without condemning her to a gauranteed lifetime of turmoil. Please don’t talk shit to me about ‘kids cope surprisingly well’ or ‘she just wants to get on with it’ That is just your wishful self-talk to gloss over the reality.</p> <p>But you never can be trusted. Not by her. Not by me. Not by Robert (he will learn). Nor by anyone else. ‘Untrustworthy’ does not relate to an isolated act ( which might be buried) but to the greater state of a person’s being. You are untrustworthy to your soul.</p> <p>Neither Angela nor I chose to bring Robert into our family circle.<br> We were not asked. I choose no. You chose for her.<br> Then began a very deliberate campaign to insinuate him into her life. The secret holiday to Asia about which you lied and made her lie about was an example of incredibly dumb, insensitive non-thinking. You hid it because you knew it was wrong. Knew Angela should not be taken out of school for a week with bullshit excuses so you could shag your boyfriend in front of her. But you had already agreed to go way before— more proof you had already made serious commitments to Robert that you lied did not exist when I found you out. </p> <p>When were you going to tell me? About the fact someone else had been in the bed we were still sharing ? In my house ? In front of my 8 year-old<br> daughter who her own mother had bullied into keeping quiet? If I had not found out for myself ? Angela knew I didn’t know!</p> <p>And your mother knew it too.</p> <p>Shame on all three of you liars. </p> <p>Did Robert know Angela’s father (me, this one, this fool here)<br> had not been told that his wife and daughter were going out of the country with another man of whose presence he was still unaware?<br> And that the two of you were going to sleep in the room in the same bed in front of her ?<br> Did Robert know you actually denied you’d be staying in the same room even after I found the booking forms?</p> <p>He knew Angela was concealing his presence in her life from me, and had been doing for a long time , but did he know you’d still not told me about it and were making Angela lie about the holiday to me? </p> <p>Shame on you both.</p> <p> I’ll bet you were lying to him too and I'm not surprised you were tired of all the lies. They were all yours. They lasted for years. The sad bit for you (and Angela) is that you’ll never stop lying because you are a liar. </p> <p>Angela and I did not seek this situation, you engineered it. Looking back over the years now, and all the bullshit running around you were doing and lying through your teeth about, is it any wonder nothing we did (in our marriage) could ever work ? I was trying, I’d made a covenant with myself to make it work and was prepared to push everything else and everyone aside to do so, but I was the only one. What did I know?</p> <p>My family and friends (who I pushed into third place) uncompromisingly welcomed, embraced and accepted you. Cast your mind back to Angela’s birth and the first six years of her life. You pissed on that trust too. Shame on you.</p> <p>I was bending and buckling and compromising and compensating to keep our homelife harmonious. While you were for years trying to disintegrate our family. But you tarried until it suited you and you could try make it look like the break-up was for other reasons. Not for the real reasons which you had already committed to in word and unfaithful deed. Most definitely you never shared with me, never shared your terminal unhappiness with the partner who had been with you through so much, and as events have proved (that is visible now) the person most affected. You OK there Jack?</p> <p> In fact, you have been unfaithful our whole relationship. Considering how you (being in my life) negatively affected that life, what this show of abject disloyalty says about your personal integrity is shocking.</p> <p> How absolutely disgraceful is that ? </p> <p>Then you put a spin on it all and peddle some ‘version’ to people ?<br> Not the same version to each though. </p> <p>But not once have you had the courage or the respect to stand before your faithful and loyal husband of 14 years and tell him to his face you wanted out? </p> <p>How contemptous is that? Calling you disrespectful is an insult to disrespectful people. You now continue to show this disrespect by declining to give me an answer to a simple question I have been asking you for weeks. Do you think you have that right? What gives it to you? Are you going to teach our daughter the new standard of “fuck you” manners you have now acquired? Or always had and now let slip?</p> <p>And now your relationship (and its implication for Angela ) has slithered into view, the sheer audacity of you shrugging it off with a : ‘Well it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it’ or ‘Robert and I are a couple and you’d better get used to it’ is astounding in its arrogance. </p> <p>Shame on you both. </p> <p>And your mother’s: ‘ Well it’s all out in the open now, so it’s OK now and for Angela’s sake everyone needs to be adult about it’ is bewildering in its base lack of any moral condition. </p> <p>It’s as if I fell in love with your father’s daughter but now find I married your mother’s daughter.<br> Nothing you have spouted will ever make what you’ve done right.<br> It isn't. Wasn’t . Can never be. Nor will you piling more lies on top of lies ever change the truth. I know that won't stop you trying.</p> <p>[Incidentally, I've since looked at philosophy’s take on lies, trying to understand why it is you persist in doing it and why you always choose to lie and lie even when a truth stands ready, available for you to use. Curiously they say that it is inherent ( in the majority of human nature ) that fundamentally honest people always to incline to reveal secrets rather than keep them. It is only a small minority and the habitual liars that always choose to lie, or to exaggerate themselves, and their acheivements to try find some self-esteem. I figured you always choose to lie to me because of the guilt you harbour, but there are many times you just lie to me because its deep in your nature to secret things away. Think about it. Does this behaviour pattern remind you of anyone?] Your guilt makes you lie and because you are guilty to the roots of your hair you will always lie. Good pretence about the polo by the way.What an adaptive piece of work you turned out to be.</p> <p>You are such a liar and such a discredit to those who have loved you. But especially to your husband. Do you seriously think what you have done to me and Angela (and more how heartlessly you have done it), could ever be OK for me?</p> <p>You have no concept of what your actions have meant to my life. Because you have shut your heart and your eyes you will never feel the grief you have brought my world. Because you are so intensely selfish and obssessed with getting what you want , you are incapable of knowing the upheaval you have wrought. If the damage could be measured in financial terms you’d never stop paying . How could you?</p> <p>From so long ago, your interminable dishonesty, lies and faithlessness have hurt so badly. This last betrayal cut beyond words. The best (but inadequate) description I can manage is: ‘a dark pool of depression and sadness in which I’ve drowned. While you shamelessly swan around ( I was the devoted half of that pair… ‘life-long’ mate ! ) tossing me crumbs of fading love from Angela.’ </p> <p>You lied and misrepresented our return to our homeland. Us being up here was as deft a piece of cunning as any husband ever saw. You set it all up so sweetly. I liked the place on cue and said so. You two must have laughed yourselves sick. What a thoroughly devious pair you are. And what scheming and cheating was already in play the year before ? When we travelled here together as a family? </p> <p>Did your mother already know at that time you and Robert had been in touch for years? How did you live with your betrayal and with me all those years? What did you do when you came here ? Get smoked up and forget what you were doing ? Do none of the friends you use for alibis love you enough to tell you the truth? That doing the right thing was the only thing? Or at worst you could have been honest afterwards. And I wondered why you were behaving so oddly when I collected you and Angela from the airport? Others wondered why you lost so much weight before you left. I didn’t. I trusted you implicitly and you pissed on it. One despicable pretence from end to end, just like you. How could you do it?</p> <p>Getting me out of our family home was as deft a piece of womanly engineering as any husband ever saw. I still do not know how you did it. And that magnificent show of heartbreak for Angela on the day? What a piece of work.You and Robert must have been laughing like drains. All your Chritmases come at once?</p> <p>How is it that you sunk so low after my 14 years of absolute openess about money and standing bare financially before you— that you could actually stomach yourself? And LIE TO ME about money you were hiding away from me? Everything I had was always yours. You knew it and to the end you still lied about our money and tried to withhold knowledge of it from me! And you the spendthrift you’ve always been ? See a pattern here?</p> <p>I wish you and whatever (if any) new child you ever bear, get to experience some version of the subtle cruelty you visited on my son Mark, your stepson and the pain I might have at least saved him if you weren't the abominable pretender you are. You rant about your step Mum? Compared to you she is a babe in the woods.</p> <p>I have already told you for all reasons, I can never accept Robert. (You have earned the opposite.) That you expect me to, is another astonishingly unintelligent misjudgement. I must accept you are contemptous of me and what I represent, (which makes the depth and length of your pretence all the more abhorrent), but ponder as I might in Angela’s name, I cannot fathom how you could be so clearly unthinking and selfish as to actually seek him out? With no reference to me? You have to be fucking mad. There is no other explanation.</p> <p>You and Robert deserve each other, but Angela deserves neither of you. Nor do I. Neither do I deserve the hurt you’ve inflicted or the irreplaceable years you have stolen with your disgusting charade. I gave, I gave, I gave and you took. Some say they could see this but I could not. I trusted and admired you. My love has been pure and patient and I am sorry I ever met you and wish I could hate you. Keep going as you are and I suppose hate will come, but in my case I believe you know it will be incapable of appeasement. </p> <p>You’ve no senses left to come to, but pathetically, I still hope I’m wrong about you. And wonder how anyone I’ve loved so well and so long and who pretended so to love me back, could be so rotten to the core? </p> <p>There are 3 ultimate (these already irrevocable, I'm afraid) ironies. Though I've no doubt the pair of you are still hiding more uglies somewhere and will reveal them when you feel you have sufficiently diminished her ‘need’ for me:</p> <p>1. If you unexpectedly die anytime in the next 65 months you have put Angela into the centre of a conflict between Robert and I.<br> 2. If you split up with (or antagonise) Robert anytime in the next 13 years, you’ve set our child up for a 3-way conflict.<br> 3. If both you and I were to die anytime soon, our child is off to G-Town for her upbringing. </p> <p>Well done, you.</p> <p> You say you shouldn’t have married me. Right. Why did you not say what was in your grubby heart? There were so many opportunities, so many crossroads, where we stood together, where you could have said something. Pretending to people now that you EVER DID is just another of your lies. You had so many points at which you could have revealed what you chose to keep hidden in your heart. (Hidden from me that is. You seem to have told a lot of other people, never me. )<br> Points at which I made life-defining, destiny deciding decisions wrapped around you. Things you let me do over 14 years while you deliberately and calculatingly lied and hid the betrayal you were acting out. You never did love me and looking back on your total fraud, and the cost of my precious years (they are more costly than yours because of my age) lost to your pretence, is as hard for me to swallow as it must have been tiresome for you to give us all the performance.</p> <p>Perfidious? Shallow? Can you see why I’m angry yet? Am I ‘over-reacting’? Your feigned bemusement at my ‘unreasonable’ reaction to all this is as hollow as you are. I am where I am because of you and all this wreckage you have created—there is no other reason and you so know that too. And if you pretend you can't already see the changes this has so far wrought in Angela , more fool you.</p> <p>It is clear you are a thoroughly unworthy human, and now clear you would have engineered a replacement source of ‘corporate funding’ sooner or later. I was warned, but was as blinded by love as I have ever been. Knowing what I know now I wish it could have been sooner. If it wasn’t for Angela it wouldn’t matter too much either. </p> <p>Your relationship with Robert unbalances my status with her, prejudices me and puts me at a massive disadvantage which you both know damn fine! The platitudes mouthed about ‘keeping me in her life’ have been made from the smug position you believe you have contrived, and would not have been made if you seriously thought you might be called upon to deliver on them. </p> <p>Not that anyone can take your word for anything anyway , given your startling record of dishonesty. I pray though all other reason has clearly deserted you, you are not so imbecelic as to seriously think throwing a pregnancy into this mess will actually ‘be good for Angela’.</p> <p>Having said that, you have been so obviously and calculatedly pursuing a course of action to exclude me (and substitute Robert) to diminish my importance in Angela’s life. Trying to disengage me wherever possible and employing every means possible to fast-track Robert into her life. Please don’t deny it. The puppy thing was straight out of Eastenders. I shudder to think of the two of you stage-managing and manipulating her perceptions until she thinks the way you want her to, to fit your plan.</p> <p> No-one will argue your right to happiness, but you have to do it right, not fuck everyone’s lives up then blag your way out like a common tart caught giving the postman a blowjob. Everyone expected better of you whether they nod as you sell them your story or not. I respected you more so expected more of you. I'm sure Angela does too. Do you feel no shame?</p> <p>Where is it written that I , who have been in her life for her whole life must now, because you’ve decided you are fucking someone else, be out of her life except at your whim? been central to her life, how does that translate to the scraps? For years I have been worrying myself SICK about US! While you have been worrying about you, and you getting what you want. Shame on you.</p> <p>The last 10 weeks or so, I've spent a lot of time trying to deny what you are. Trying to deny what you are doing. Trying to make excuses for you. Although obviously , your mother’s influence on you as a child was devastating. Not in leaving home per se, but what you must have learnt from the experience. You suffered truth deprivation maybe? What else could explain the sweet, vulnerable girl I’ve loved so sore, behaving with such amoral, self-interested dishonesty? I look at her and I see you, I listen to her, I hear you. </p> <p>But the final explanation is the one I hate most, though the one I have come to. [When reason eliminates all the possibles, one is compelled to accept the impossible. And when should one stop blaming someone else and look at you?] </p> <p>The fact and the evidence is that you are inherently deceitful. </p> <p>Reality is, that somehow, wiles, wilfulness and wickedness all combined in you to produce the perfect deceipt machine. A female device to produce mistruth in so polished a format. Poor you. And whose lies have resulted in so much wrong and hurt and pain. How cruel. How unkind. What a truly horrible, dishonourable thing to do. </p> <p>I keep longing for a knock on the door , to see you there, with Angela, to tell me this is all just a long, terrible, nightmare. I can get over death easier than this. I miss you both so much in my everyday life. I miss talking to you as we always did and so often.Did I just imagine all that closeness all those years? When all the time you were guiltily cheating in your lying heart and physically every chance you got?</p> <p>Shame on you.</p> <p>I don’t know how much of you is due to the trauma of your mother’s separation. I’m praying for our own daughter’s future character’s sake that that trauma did not contribute too much to your compulsion for lying. </p> <p>Whatever the cause of your own illness is , you are a liar and will never be forgiven for teaching your own 8 year-old to lie. Let alone expose her to your own example of how people of integrity behave. Now she has to carry it with her for the rest of her life. The same as you (thirty-nine years on) wear the hangover of your mother’s own shame— whether you admit to it or not.You have no excuse today, nor can you ever have. Although if you take care of yourself you’ve got another 40 years or so to make one up . But just know this is the truth and time (not even 3 x 40 years ) will ever change it.</p> <p>Katherine — nobody with an iota of intelligence can ever argue that what you’ve done is in anyone’s interest except YOURS. It is actively harmful to Angela, but you do still have time to act .<br> This catastrophe is about you and you can still alter its course. Despite the knowledge I am certain you’ve already made a massive commitment on every level despite your trademark lies protesting exactly the opposite.</p> <p>If only you could just be honest with yourself. And do think about Angela. Just once. </p> <p>I have begged you once on my knees and I beg you now. </p> <p>If you persist with your course of action you are going to turn her world (already broken) more upside down, shatter it, tear it apart and hurt her little heart and mind so much! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, don’t!</p> <p>If you cannot see this or think whatever you have promised Robert is worth how you are going to hurt her then you are in criminal denial. And deliberately going ahead and doing it anyway will be a crime against her!<br> Please don’t!<br> Katherine, there is still this one pain you can save our daughter during her childhood. Think of her.</p> <p>Some wife. Some husband. Some fool. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/06/02/dear-katherine-10-have-you-no-shame-woma-4260643/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-05-21:/2008/05/21/poem-for-katherine-9-a-sperm-doth-not-a--4203128/bentaylor2008-05-21T14:05:47+02:002008-05-21T14:05:47+02:00 <p><u>A Sperm doth not a Daddy make</u></p> <p>One tiny sperm’ll never <em>you </em>her daddy make<br> ‘specially one sown abroad in drunk mistake<br> Sole precious gem ‘mongst billions you’ve waste<br> squandered, a’wandered, and masturbate.</p> <p>One hollow mangle with queen of deception<br> birthed child of truth despite lied conception<br> Curse you, and chance in sixty billion<br> gifts you false fealty, perhaps one in trillion?</p> <p>Curse too , the whore I lauded wife<br> who’s schemed and cheated her whole life<br> Curse her and confound her low IQ<br> that let her reveal our treasure to you !</p> <p>Curse all your feeble tricks to buy<br> my child’s love, back time to try fly<br> What Katherine, nor you, in denseness know<br> wounds you’ve wrought’ll take years to show</p> <p>So shame on you both, dim crass pair<br> for crime you deal my daughter fair<br> And don’t bother crying, unspeakable git<br> we all know hard, you’ll get sick of it</p> <p>Begone soul thief ! Another’s life to smoke<br> beg leave <em>me my</em> daughter, though wife’s yours to poke.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/05/21/poem-for-katherine-9-a-sperm-doth-not-a--4203128/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-05-14:/2008/05/14/i-heard-you-today-katherine-8-what-are-w-4175330/bentaylor2008-05-14T23:08:35+02:002008-07-19T10:20:27+02:00 <p>A few words about the toll this separation is taking on our eight year old daughter Angela …</p> <p><u>I heard you</u></p> <p>I heard you today, though no word was said<br> And saw you today, how silent your dread</p> <p>I heard you today, mute protest rang loud<br> The brave way you met it’d make any heart proud</p> <p>I heard you today, though years your tongue cage<br> And felt you today, could not bear your rage</p> <p>I heard you today, when your heart told of love<br> but can't know whence help comes, if not from above.</p> <p>I heard you today, choked still ‘neath grey veil<br> but watched you pretend life’s pallor to pale</p> <p>I heard you today, unable to say<br> how cheap falsehoods our sky made so grey</p> <p>I heard you today, what your heart bursts to say<br> though fears still your lips, tears silent to pray</p> <p>I heard you today, suppressing your fears,<br> While those you rely on succumb to their tears</p> <p>I heard you today the protest bells true<br> what is it exactly, us grown-ups are doing to you?</p> <p>Dad</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/i-heard-you-today-katherine-8-what-are-w-4175330/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-05-14:/2008/05/14/what-to-do-about-katherine-4174511/bentaylor2008-05-14T20:04:09+02:002008-05-14T20:04:09+02:00 <p>What to do about Katherine?</p> <p>I love someone who loves not me<br> and kick as I might I cannot get free.<br> Help someone please! To crawl past this mess<br> Just gotta get straight, find peace and rest.</p> <p>They say ‘keepin’ busy’ my comeback’ll speed<br> but to my shame, can't get beyond need<br> Friends pray get me away, declare: ‘sink or swim!’<br> but no matter how deep I tread,I think of you and him.</p> <p>They say I should be out, finding someone new<br> but the truth is, my soul, the new girl’s still you<br> And while I adore you, my thin heart to burst<br> It turns out, to taunt me, that’s not half the worst.</p> <p>For this woman I grieve will not my daughter let leave<br> and a cruel bent of law forbids me reprieve<br> So silently waiting, I pine Dad’s weekends<br> while Katherine, wanton, her love elsewhere spends.</p> <p>Where was it written my fate to choose her?<br> When was it forecast to cost all so dear?<br> I'm holding and waiting, such sore to be heal<br> and long for the daybreak, to be able to feel.</p> <p>I know I must get life, shake free this blue<br> but each thought self-destructs, impales on you<br> Wars should not fight which cannot be won<br> but for my meantime, every task, smallest ask, is yet another, and left undone!</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/what-to-do-about-katherine-4174511/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-05-13:/2008/05/13/katherine-6-too-selfish-to-love-beyond-t-4170183/bentaylor2008-05-13T21:31:12+02:002008-05-13T21:31:12+02:00 <p>Katherine 6 : Too selfish to love beyond the BPM ( Basic Paternal Minimum.) </p> <p>Do you know what a point I had to get to to cry out for your help? How is it possible that the woman I've loved so fiercely and so long could not hear my cry?<br> How is it that the woman I've thought so much of has not the courage to act? To help?</p> <p>You fill my every thought. Nothing I look at, see, hear, speak of, fails to fly my thoughts to you.</p> <p>It is love. I admit it, I recognise it. I see it and I feel it.<br> My heart pounds when I am about to see you.<br> I am completely useless for all else and will be until I can get loose. </p> <p>How will I escape my love for you?<br> I wish I knew, for you are so not worthy ! </p> <p>And I wish our daughter could escape you too.<br> She can't even bleed and get over it as I eventually must , unless I just opted out.<br> At 8 , Angela doesn’t have this option, does she?<br> She just has to go along—where you take her. While you merrily rebuild the life you figure you were entitled to all along. Under the guise of belatedly ‘finding your own happiness’. A thin euphemism for doing ‘what-you-want-when-you-want’.<br> You have proved you could not, cannot, have not, have never and shall never deny yourself. And this is something totally incompatible with being a guilt-free mother.<br> You hate the guilt…and suppress and lie and justify and pretend and jump through hoops to stifle its clamour to reach daylight.<br> So you over-compensate, for just a moment of course, until selfishness brushes your guilt aside once more. A familiar pattern here?<br> Your new man falls over himself to indulge you to indulge yourself . You think this is good for you ? In your frantic race to have it all, get it now, and f**k the consequences for our little girl?<br> Don’t fool yourself, Katherine, you are too selfish to love Angela beyond the Heart Association’s National Guaranteed Minimum, the BPM (basic paternal minimum.) </p> <p>How will I be free ? What were you thinking of ? I’ll never (as long as I live) understand your thought process in involving the person that led us to this particular point — other than to simplify it with a ‘ you didn’t think of our daughter or us, you thought only of you’.<br> There can never be justification for what you have done.</p> <p> But the soul of the girl I love is strong and pure and decent and giving and honest and so loving though selfish. While the soul that has escaped to re-possess that girl is devious, shallow and black-hearted. Not only is that girl an excellent cheat, she is entirely without shame. And those who know not shame can never know honour. </p> <p>In this, together with the fine example of congenital selfishness and intolerance she set, your mother educated you well. </p> <p>No-one will ever say she set out to teach you… all she had to do was show a young girl the way. She so self-servingly forsook any pretence at right and good. Stretching and twisting truth into hollow justification to excuse and garner understanding for her-own inexcusable actions.<br> Her despair, her awful final realisation of what she has brought herself down to is what she lives everyday now. Her unhappiness is ingrained and total and for ever.<br> She is but you, futher on. And her reward for all her lies and dishonour is bitter regret. </p> <p>When you (in turn) look back on your own actions and how they schooled our daughter at your knee, you’ll finally know what everyone but you can see.</p> <p>Does the end justify the means? As long as you get things arranged how you want them, as quick as you can, is it OK to scar and traumatise and unbalance your own daughter ? </p> <p>No, the end does not justify any means. And when the sides of this pathway are lined with self-indulgence it all hinges on one’s integrity. A quality you no longer recognize… nor would you know truth if it was a dagger that jumped up and stabbed you in both eyes.</p> <p>Is this why you will not see what you’ve done??</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/05/13/katherine-6-too-selfish-to-love-beyond-t-4170183/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk,2008-05-13:/2008/05/13/katherine-4169858/bentaylor2008-05-13T20:27:20+02:002008-05-13T20:27:20+02:00 <p>Dear Katherine , </p> <p>They say true prayer never comes limping home. And when our prayers are answered, we either get what we asked for or <u>should </u>have asked for.<br> What was it you were after again ?</p> <p><u>Happy Birthday </u></p> <p>As your love like snow has melt<br> such arctic chill my soul has felt</p> <p>But please all gods there’s far to go<br> While anger boils above, below</p> <p>Perhaps in time we’ll reach our peace<br> a perfect place where sadness sleeps</p> <p>And for our child a way prepare<br> for her, for you, for my heart fair</p> <p>At thirty-nine, you’ve much to live<br> though I’ve scant decades to give</p> <p>But they’re all hers (and yours) you pratt<br> Nor will my love release me; forever that.</p> <p>Ben</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://thiswaytoback.blog.co.uk/2008/05/13/katherine-4169858/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>